An Excerpt from “Front Lawn”

An excerpt from “Front Lawn,” a short story published in “Stylus,” and awarded 2nd Place in the Jimenez-Porter Literary Prize. 

Molly was a quiet child and quieted more once her brother had gone. There was no one to share their father’s lap during bedtime stories, to play with once the babysitter resided to her cell phone, to hold at the edge of her bed when it was too dark in her room even with the sticker-stars. When Lucas was born, Molly, age three at the time, was enamored with the thought that her parents had so much love that it could fill another person. One evening, she whispered into her brother’s crib, Lucas’s small fingers pinched into fists, his eyes wide with trying to figure out the feeling of light, “I will love you as much as mom and dad.”

She sat in her own silence for what felt like the length of sixteen hundred rulers, if time could be measured in inches. Anxious, but mostly afraid of what her teacher would tell her when she returned, she reached into her backpack and opened her class textbook. She scribbled in the margins of a chapter entitled “Life Science: Where Plants and Animals Live.” She thought about where she lived and what science had to do with it, or if there were equations, chemical or non-, that could explain the change in the word “home” since Lucas had died.

A Bride-To-Be The Night Before Taking Engagement Photos
Lucille

Lucille was a girl he loved for seven months. Muddy hair, freckled cheekbones, hands with more creases than longitude and latitude lines on a map of Russia, Lucille loved him for the duration of her three months but not for the length of his seven. He pined for her until there weren’t any needles left, and when he saw her on the thirty-first day of his sixth month, he realized that there was a reason why the needles on the pines kept falling. 

You Can Tell Yourself Certain Things

You can tell yourself certain things but you can only believe some of them. 

It will be twenty-seven days after the winter begins when the cold finally sweeps its way through your bones. You will stand in front of your bathroom mirror and allow water to run between your fingers; you are used to holding things you can not keep. When you turn the facet off, you wonder when people will become tired of filling your bones with chrome, of dusting you with gold when the rest of it rubs away.  

You wrote it on you bedroom wall with black ink that you have to get out of here and after you left the room, your lover tried to rub it off with the edge of his sleeve but it stained his sleeve and then he kissed you goodbye and the stain followed him home, and it wasn’t until he saw the black of his eyelids at midnight in his bed alone that he realized that he was stained, too. 

The Seventeen Minutes Before Packing A Bag

You told him you wanted to go somewhere quieter than here. And the light pollution, it doesn’t do much for you, nighttime is dark enough without removing the stars. Afterwards, leaning on the kitchen counter and stirring sugar into your coffee, he asked you to come up with a better idea. Running away is never an option, he told you. It wouldn’t be running away, you said, folding your hands around your coffee mug, it would be escaping, just for a little while. Closing his eyes and tilting his head to the floor, the kitchen lights were soft on his skin and he looked the way he did when the two of you met two years prior, his cheekbones less hollow, his forehead drawn with less lines, the space between his lips and the bottom swoop of his nose less prone to making the shape of words meant for business only; time wears, time runs. You want to be sure he would run with you, both of your backs to whatever it is you are running from. Your mother has asked you three times what it is you do not want to face and each time you tell her it cannot be explained through telephone lines, but you have been fine, you have been fine, you just want to feel finer.

You put your coffee on the counter, pushed your fingers into the corners of your eyes, felt your pulse in the left one. Without actual movement, you can feel him step back; his heart cannot be in it as much as yours if yours is in the way. Ignoring intentions and remembering how it feels to be honest, you said, I’m disappointed. In me? Opening your eyes, in us. He reached forward with his left hand, kept his right hand mounted on the counter. You don’t want him to touch you. Please, you said. Why are you disappointed? Tell me.

I’m disappointed in how I couldn’t be enough. I’m disappointed in being an aside, I’m disappointed in the way you look at me, I’m disappointed that I cannot remember how it feels to love you or for you to love me, I’m disappointed that I feel alone most of the time, I’m disappointed in the way you say my name nowadays, I’m disappointed that I believed in you but I’m mostly disappointed in you for allowing me to. 

"Art is a human activity consisting in this, that one man consciously, by means of certain external signs, hands on to others feelings he has lived through, and that other people are infected by these feels and also experience them."
— Leo Tolstoy, “What Is Art?”
Listen For Me In The Morning

I want you, she told him one evening after the smoke from candles blown out cradled the nighttime air in its wafting arms. And I want you, he told her as soon as the breath of her words dissipated through his ears and filtered through the canals of his neck through his lips and back toward hers.

She used his illness as an excuse to not see him although coughing and congestion were less of a worry than losing her sense of herself in him, pieces of her life fragmented by the light of his.

I’ll come back when the sun rises over the hill that holds the winds that carry our names, she told him, and she told herself she would listen because the wind carries words only for those listening, and the bell only rings for those who know it will, and the river only widens for those who believe its banks can widen too. The door will widen when she walks through it and so will the bits of light she can see in his eyes when he opens them for her. 

I want you, she will tell him in the morning and before the words travel through the tunnels of limbs or behind the crevices that filter the world to and from his open lips, he will repeat them. 

"I wish I were a poet. I’ve never confessed that to anyone, and I’m confessing it to you, because you’ve given me reason to feel that I can trust you. I’ve spent life observing the universe, mostly in my mind’s eye. It’s been a tremendously rewarding life, a wonderful life. I’ve been able to explore the origins of time and space with some of the great living thinkers. But I wish I were a poet. Albert Einstein, a hero of mine, once wrote, ‘Our situation is the following. We are standing in front of a closed box which we cannot open.’ I’m sure I don’t have to tell you that the vast majority of the universe is composed of dark matter. The fragile balance depends on things we’ll never be able to see, hear, smell, taste, or touch. Life itself depends on them. What’s real? What isn’t real? Maybe those aren’t the right questions to be asking. What does life depend on? I wish I had made things for life to depend on."
— Jonathan Safran Foer (via enchantedfox)

(Source: grovegrove, via teachingliteracy)

Your Bones Have Tunnels In Them

Sometimes she woke up in the middle of the night with dinosaurs marching up her forearms. Leaving blue footprints only seen in the moonlight, they climbed along her transparent nighttime skin, following her veins as though they were roadways.

Morning would come, the sky the color of oatmeal. Like a river that widens but never seems to thin, she funneled her heart through her hands as if it were made of quicksand, hoping someone would catch it and make it into something else.

Tell Me A Little Bit About Romance

Tell me a little bit about romance, she said. Tell me a little bit about what it means to be in love. She said, I heard it’s a carnival opening up in your heart, walking on a tightrope holding onto nothing but his hand, and not needing a tamer because you become the lion of his love. She said, I heard it’s holding nervousness before giving a speech, feeling each nerve pushing at the underside of your skin, holding your lungs still because air doesn’t seem imperative. She said, I heard it’s looking out of your window on a plane, seeing a city made small by the space between engines and concrete, understanding you’re not as big as you seem and the world is as big as it seems, realizing the odds that stood in front of you to find him were a jungle. She said, I heard it’s a beginning, I heard it starts things. Romance, she said. Love, she said. Give me a definition, someone! 

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Themed by: Hunson